Ugh wtf am I doing.

I am
Not happy.

You are something else.

(via words-of-emotion)

(via kushandwizdom)

And I broke up because we had two different lifestyles; he craved for mine in a world where nothing could ever be mine.

This is an open letter to my ex. 

Dear so, 

For the past 3 year or less, I have conditioned myself to treat you the best I could. During the beginning, you’d think it was magical, probably one of the best feelings I had in such a long time. The way we connected was practically amazing, concluding to the fact that we were so young. Sadly, the irony of knowing that you would be leaving 400 miles away was devastating. 

Speaking of this, this is where is started. Your selfishness. That is not what I saw, because I was young, naive and careless. You got accepted to tons of UC’s and many other Cal states, which much better reputations and classes available to you.  Some close and some far, yet you decide to choose the furthest school, not caring about me or anyone else except yourself. Selfish you are, yet I was still blinded because I lov(ed) you. This continued, your selfishness when you decide how long we talked, what we did, how I felt. 

This selfishness was subtle at first, you always liked to think of yourself, and as I child I was raised much differently from you. So yes, I was in fact more selfless. 

Little did I know that this relationship would exceed a year, then another year, then a coup months after. I just tried to pick up these broken pieces of this relationship and fandom the idea that one day we will get married or some shit like that. However, I knew when it started to go down hill a couple months back before you left me, by removing your pictures, talking to you less because I was trying to hard to brace the impact because I knew I was the stronger one, the one to keep you. This is why I had no urge to fight for you back, why no contact has been swell to me, yet this pain is still keeping a void in my heart. 

It was sad enough that I knew this relationship was going down for you and I, yet I still tried to pick up the scattered pieces, cutting myself every time while picking up these pieces of hope to feel whole. I thus lost myself trying to keep it whole, because my respoisbiiltiies started to revolve around loving you.  It was unhealthy and made me miserable. 

However, you did make me happy, you really did and I did love you. You did try to keep it together, but I knew when you wanted enough and I am truly sorry for keeping you here, I just thought things would change. 

That was the different case with you, I knew there were so many things changing with you, what you craved for and what your priorties started to become. However, I needed to accept this change, to feel that what I was doing (calling you, spending time with you, feeling jealous , upset, happy or sad) always was wrong or had a rebuddled emotion by you. but maybe because i’m naturally a push over, however, I started to think “ am I enough, I should change”. Fuck that, No. I am not changing because I am enough, I’m the best that I can ever be and I strive to be better. I was verging to the end, anticipating the length and ending of this relationship, knowing my love, my energy can be put into something else other than a boyfriend; this energy can be put onto loving my own self. 

Selfish is what I need to be and that is probably what I can take from you out of this relationship. Selfish enough to love myself whole-heartedly. It has been about a week since this relationship has ended, and needless to say, I did lose my best friend, however, I lost him a long time ago.